Okay, so you guys no I've blogged about this guy the last 9+ months now. Instead of me going on about our problems I'm going to give you an autobiography of our relationship, so you'll understand what's going on and maybe give me some advice.

So here it goes...

Alright, we started talking in December, but when we started talking I was still talking to another kid too. Me and Zach, I'll give you his name so you can have more info, went to the movies a week before Christmas, I wasn't sure if i completely liked him or not because of some differences, haha. Well he asked me a couple times more to hangout but with a busy Christmas schedule, I didn't have time. So, on Christmas Eve I went to my best friends house because I needed to talk to her about my guy problems and how I liked both, but I wanted someone truthful and who wasn't going to break my heart in a month, or after he tried to get some. So we called Zach and Zach talked to us for like an hour, Anna talked to him for a little and was like this kid is cool, you should invite him to hangout with me you and graham so we can see how he is. So we made the plans and he came over, and they liked him, my parents liked him, my sister liked him, and my dog liked him. With all these things going good, I decided I would hangout with him more. We hungout on New Years, and after break we hungout after school several times. Then on January 7, 2009 he asked me out. I was happy and everything was going good, I had been looking for a good boy for quite a while. And being a freshman in high school its hard to find a guy worth your time. Well months went by, he played baseball and we weren't sure if we'd make it through the season but we did. I was extremely happy, and I was almost certain everything would be perfect with him. But, one night when I was at one of his games, my friend was dating his best friend and they had been to the movies a weekend before. We were talking about bad smells and she looked at me and said have you ever smelled zach's dip? In complete shock, i said... I didn't know he dipped. So when I confronted him he lied about it until finally I told him I'm not gonna get mad I just want the truth. Not only had he lied to me about it for the 4 months we had been dating but he also lied to me about it when I asked him. I was very upset, because I was had been almost positive he didn't do anything like that, but I guess I was wrong. Then a month later, I found he had smoked weed, except when he told me, he told me he had only done it twice, but in reality, it was like everytime he hungout with his friends. SOOO, after that I wasn't to happy and my trust was very low. He never really had a whole lot of trust with me, so over the months, I began to not hangout with my friends as often and revolve myself around him. Then when summer came I went on a mission trip to mississippi, there was another guy on the mission trip that I hungout with because there were no kids my age. This kid was 19. By the middle of the week he was on my last nerves, he followed me around and was always trying to show off. Then one night we were sitting talking to people and they all fell asleep, and he kissed me, when i pulled away he did again. This was the last night we were there, and I was completely and utterly disappointed in myself, I thought it had been all my fault. Well being the honest person I am, when I got back in town I told Zach, and he freaked out, calling me a cheater and telling me that everyone he had every dated cheated on him and I fit right in with them. He couldn't decide if he wanted to stay, until I pitched the biggest fit I have ever pitched in my life, I layed down in the middle of my neighborhoods pool parking lot and started screaming and crying. My first love was going to leave me because of something that was inevitable. He decided he was willing to make it work. To finish the summer we went to the beach together, it helped things and brought us closer. When school started we had our problems here and there and nothing was ever really the same as it had been before that June. We fought alot more. He called me names, and had a talk with my dad before he finally realized if things didn't change he wasn't going to see me anymore. Knowing this he decided that he needed to straighten up. After that things started getting better, and then his friends had sex with a girl with him in the same room "asleep" or thats what he claims. Ive heard many different stories about that he did too, or that he didn't, but this worried me. It would worry any girl, especially after 8 months and a guy who has your whole heart and tells you that you have his. Finally I came to get that It doesn't matter he can live with the lie, if he is telling a lie. All I can do is be the best  can be. Now being almost 10 months in less than two weeks, we still have issues. He's hard to trust at times, and he's very irritable. His temper is worse than anyone's I've ever known. Don't get me wrong at all, I've never met someone who can make me as happy and smile as much as he does. He's been there for me more than anyone lately. He's by far my best friend and he knows everything about me, and he'd do anything for me. He tells me he wants to spend his life with me, and he even writes me notes, and shows up at my house. It'sthe kind of love any girl would want, but sometimes its not all its made out to be. I don't know what to do.


Sometimes I get really worried, others confused, and sometimes I just wanna give up and scream I'm through. Good times I wanna just lay here and take in the moment, and tell him how much he actually does mean to me and how I'd do anything to make him happy.


What do you guys think I should do? Do you think it'll work out?
Do you think I should give it more time? Is there anything I'm doing wrong?

ive realized,
there are sooooooo many girls who act fake.


its not cute, its not attractive, its repulsive...

they either have fake tans, fake hair, fake boobs, or fake attitudes.
its disgusting, and some how they always get guys quicker, just with looks.


but, im glad that there are some people out there that see fake,
and they go for people who act different and are unique.




im sorry but for as long as i live,
i will never act like someone im not.
im not gonna change anything i like to fit in.
no way, ive made that mistake before,
and im definitely not gonna do it again.


im gonna listen to my country music,
dress the way i want to dress,
be friends with who I want to be friends with,
and do stuff that is outrageously different, and FUN. (:



just thought id let everyone know (:

i really dont know where to start with this.

im in love with you, thats a fact. trust with you though is far off. its okay, you can blame it on all the other guys in the past who have ruined me for you. stupid sons of bitches. im scared to give my heart all out because everytime i do for some reason it gets torn to shreads and thrown back at me. and then im left to climb back up to the top. with you im at the top, and i wanna stay at the top. i dont wanna fight with you, it kills me. i just want you to be upfront about things. youre one of the greatest things to ever happen to me and i dont wanna lose you to one of my stupid rages. i wanna be yours forever and i cant picture any other girl taking my place. i want you to me. im probably way to controlling and maybe thats why you hide stuff from me? i dont know, i miss you every minute im not with you. i want you here now, as a matter of fact. youve made me so happy these past months and i dont wanna give it up. everything weve been through together has to have some reason behind it. i mean, i dunno. maybe all this is me. i dunno. known of this makes sense, ive just gotta let it out. youre my everything, im in love for the first time and i dont wanna be in love with anyone but you. youre amazing, actually beyond amazing youre extraordinary. <3 im crying because i dont wanna fight anymore. i dont care. i wanna love you, i wanna be with you, i wanna stay in your arms for ever. dont let me stop any of your dreams though, because im sure id find a way to. im way to controlling and obsessed. you say im not, but im almost sure i am...


i dont want you to cry, its gonna be okay. i just think i should give you a break for a day or two. you know, for you to see what life without me around is like. who knows, maybe youll like it more and ill learn to not give any part of your heart away even if its all lust. if you do leave me, i just want you to know youve made an impact on me, and no one has ever been this great to me in my whole life. ill never ever forget you as long as i live, and maybe we can work this stuff out right? but please just give me time and let me flow through this, i need my space. im still always yours <3 and youll always be mine in my heart.